I am two people. That is the only way I can describe how I deal with what I have been going through for almost 3 years. Person one gets up every morning, goes to work, assists her clients, goes to the gym, makes dinner, and goes through every day as if nothing is happening. Person one is driven and motivated to kick butt every day and show no weaknesses. Person one doesn’t want anyone to know what is going on.

 

When person one talks to friends and family, she asks how they’re doing and responds that everything is fine while hiding a giant part of her life from everyone.  Person one is also the one who congratulates people when they announce pregnancies, smiles at babies, and attends baby showers with a smile on her face saying all the right things. She is the one who gives the politically correct responses when people ask if she and her husband have kids, or the ever intrusive question of “do you want kids?” Such answers have included “no;” “just a very spoiled dog;” “not yet;” and “hopefully some day.” She smiles kindly when people respond with "just relax," "it will happen when you least expect it," or "put your legs over your head after". She nods along when people tell her about a friend of a friend that got pregnant after years of trying. Person one tells herself that everything is fine and no one can tell she is in pain. She convinces herself every month that it wasn’t the right time and someday it will be.

 

Person two is infertile. She is confused by her body and emotional. She doesn’t understand why it seems as though everyone around her is getting pregnant with a sneeze and easily having multiple kids. She gives herself shots and takes medication. She counts the days of her cycle and takes ovulation tests. She gets her blood drawn and goes to doctor visit after doctor visit while getting more and more frustrated. She cannot hold your baby because it is too hard. She is happy for you that you’re pregnant, but sad for herself that she is not. Person two hates when friends, family and least of all strangers ask her if she has kids or if she wants kids. She is frustrated, sad, angry, and a million other emotions that she refuses to let the world see. She worries that she ruined her chances of becoming a mom by telling herself that maybe she didn’t want kids and now the universe will never give her a child.