I am living in a nightmare. It is crazy how happy I was just 2 months ago and now just as I was beginning to believe this might actually happen, the floor has opened up beneath me and I am falling down a giant hole. I still feel pregnancy symptoms so I have to keep reminding myself that technically, I am no longer pregnant. It stinks and I keep putting my hand on my belly hoping I can somehow make this baby’s heart beat again, even though I know I cannot. I hold my daughter and cry for the brother or sister that she will never meet. I hold her and thank the world for bringing her to me and allowing me to be her mama. I hold her and hold her and hold her.

 

I want to be done with the d&c and moving on. I want to be hoping and praying and trying for another chance to bring a second child into this world – a little brother or sister for Palmer. I want to begin putting this nightmare behind me, so I try to keep myself busy until the morning that I arrive at the hospital for my procedure.

 

It is Wednesday night at 9 pm when I feel it. A sudden burst of liquid that feels like it is all over the couch, and I realize that my water has broken. I run to the bathroom and begin what becomes hours of contractions and expulsion of all kinds of crazy stuff as my body decides to miscarry all on its own before I even make it to the hospital. I will spare you the awful details, but essentially my body goes through labor. Every so often I have a contraction and then stuff happens. Between those times I try to get some sleep in our bed by lying on a bunch of towels. The contractions happen more and more often until around 4 am when something entirely different appears right before I flush the toilet then pass out on our bathroom floor from the pain and blood loss.

 

I am not sure how long I am passed out, but I come to at some point and realize it is time to go to the hospital. The contractions have finally stopped and the bleeding has slowed so I wonder if it is over. I also wonder if I passed the baby, but I don’t know what else to do so I drive to my procedure. Due to Covid, Adam cannot be with me and we don’t want to wake Palmer, so I drive myself to the hospital. After I arrive, I explain to the nurses what occurred. They immediately schedule me for an ultrasound to see if the pregnancy remains and I know as the ultrasound tech takes photos of my uterus that my baby is gone. It is no longer there as it was a couple days prior and I figure I am going to be sent home.

 

The doctor comes in and says he still wants to do the D&C. I am surprised and ask if the baby is still there, but then I immediately change my mind and ask him not to answer. I tell him that I do not want to know if I simply flushed my baby without thinking so he says nothing. Instead, he says the d&c will remove all of the pregnancy tissue which will stop the bleeding and allow be to heal much more quickly. Thus, we proceed.

 

Since I was put under general anesthesia, I don’t remember much but I wake up and find that Adam has been allowed to come see me. I am so thankful to see his face. The nurse says she pushed for me to be in a waiting area that isn’t near any babies so I have some space to myself which allows him to be able to see me even with all the Covid rules. I wish I remember that nurse’s name. She was so sweet and kind. She even took me to an employee bathroom so that I wouldn’t have to walk by any of the c-section rooms on my floor where babies would be. The extra consideration that she gave to me, a stranger, at a time when I was feeling so low and alone was very much appreciated.

 

Finally, I am discharged. We go home and I sleep the rest of the day. For the next few days, I feel like I got hit by a truck. Every muscle in my body hurts, my stomach still looks pregnant, and I cannot seem to swallow very well due to the tube during anesthesia. Also, I have a giant bruise right over my left ovary that I cannot understand. For the first few days, Adam helps me with Palmer as I have trouble picking her up, but finally I start to feel better and everything slowly begins to go back to normal. I feel sad and empty, but I know that I have to give myself time to process this loss and heal. I also need time for certain parts of my body, i.e. my boobs, to realize that I am not pregnant anymore. I am not sure how long it will take, but I hope it is quick so I can put the reminders of my loss behind me.