Pregnancy Side Effects Without the Pregnancy
I know that if I ever get pregnant, my body will change. I will gain weight. I will be tired. I won’t be able to exercise the same. I will cry for no reason. I will be a roller coaster of emotions. And I have come to terms with that. I am fine with it because I will be growing life inside of me. My body will not just be my own. However, I am not fine with how my body has changed throughout fertility treatments while not getting pregnant.
Now I realize this is all supposed to be worth it if I get pregnant. Well guess what, I have not gotten pregnant so instead this is just really freaking annoying. I have struggled with my weight for my entire life. I have tried every diet and spent hours at the gym. Then I finally found someone who could show me how to fuel my body correctly and miraculously the pounds finally started to come off. It was amazing and I finally felt good in my own skin. Plus, I started being able to work out longer and at a higher level than ever before. I was so happy. I also now think part of it was coming off birth control after years, which I have learned makes losing weight and gaining muscle really difficult. However, that was only a small part. It was mainly making the right changes to my diet and exercise.
Then I started fertility treatments. This means putting a lot of unknown hormones and stuff in my body. I hate that they hand me pills, shots and whatever else, and I am supposed to just take them. This is my biggest hang up with fertility treatments. My body is finally in a place where I am happy and feeling good with how I feel. I feel like this is the "real me" and how I am supposed to feel. Now they want me to just fill it with stuff. I am not really comfortable with that. However, fertility doctors do not understand that concept.
So they hand me drugs, and I take them. This has led to a lot of ups and downs with my weight and my emotions. I have continued to exercise and eat clean. I have even altered my macros in an attempt to combat the hormones, but my body doesn’t respond the same. My nutritionist told me that it is just going to happen and I need to accept it while I have this other goal that is beyond diet and exercise. However, that hasn’t made me feel any better. It just frustrates me more.
Depending on the drugs that I am taking, I will get winded or light headed while exercising. I will cry at nothing or snap at Adam for no reason. I also have bloating that makes me look like I am in the early stages of pregnancy, which is the worst because then people probably think I am and of course I am not. Another thing that has happened is my boobs. They swell up and hurt. I remember when I first lost my boobs, I was so sad. I wanted to lose weight everywhere else and keep my boobs, but I was wrong. Now that they are back, I realize that I actually enjoyed life better without them. Plus, I know that many people knew they were pregnant because their boobs were tender. Well, that is not what this means so it is just another painful reminder.
I am trying to remember the purpose of what I am doing and ignore the side effects, but it is really hard. Every time fertility fails, they give me some time off from the drugs. Slowly, as the medication exits my body, I start to feel like myself and I want to maintain that feeling for as long as I can. Then it is time to start another round and I am immediately thrown off again. It is a vicious cycle and one that is really hard for me given how hard I worked to finally be happy in my own skin. Now my body seems to be controlled by fertility drugs. I keep trying to remind myself that all will be forgotten if it works and my body is controlled by a growing baby instead, but it is still hard.