Today is Mothers’ Day. Ironically, it is also the day I learn that I will not yet become a mother. I woke up this morning to discover that our first IVF transfer did not work. Although I had already seen signs that it had not worked, I had still secretly hoped my body would surprise me. Not the case though. 

 

Exactly one week from when the embryos were transferred, I am sitting with the realization that everything we have done for the last several weeks has come crashing down. Our first round of IVF has failed. Those two blastocysts are not going to become our children. Instead, I am sitting in a bathroom on Mothers’ Day crying and dreading telling Adam when he wakes up. 

 

I quietly sneak out of our bedroom to let him keep sleeping, but our attentive dog follows me into the living room and stares at me. She knows something is wrong and keeps staring at me in an attempt to figure out what is happening. She then hops up on the couch and begins licking the tears as they fall down my cheeks. We sit together for a long time, she and I. Me crying and her kissing my face as I think about how she always seems to know what I need in these moments. My fur child. The only child I have right now and I am so very thankful for her unconditional love.  

 

Adam wakes up and I tell him it is official. IVF has failed and we will not be having twins or even one child right now. In an attempt to still be hopeful, he asks if there is any chance I am wrong. I tell him there is very little chance, but I will call my doctor. I call the number that I have called so many times this past week. I leave a message explaining that I am 99.5 percent certain that I am not pregnant, but I will see them in the morning for the pregnancy test that has been moved up due to the events of the last few days unless I hear otherwise.  

 

We then continue with our normal Sunday routine of coffee and catching up on social media. Social media is crushing. Post after post makes my heart ache. A new pregnancy announcement from someone who cannot wait to officially celebrate Mothers’ Day, a well thought out memory about the day someone became a mother, and photograph after photograph of peoples' kids with captions about how much that person loves being a mom. Even though I know I am happy for all of them and wish them all the best on this day, it is too much. I am hurting. I want to scream. I want to cry. I want to throw my phone against the wall. 

 

So I turn to Adam and tell him that I think the day has come for me to donate my hair for the third time. I ask him to measure my hair and he tells me that it will definitely be shorter than it has ever been before, but I don’t care. I need to do something for someone else today and I need a change. I need a fresh start and I have decided my hair will give me that. 

 

I open my computer and look for salons open on a Sunday. I schedule an appointment for that afternoon with a complete stranger. I dry my tears, get dressed, and go chop off 11 inches of hair. Some how it works. I feel better. This round of IVF may not have given us our baby, but I am not giving up. We still have two embryos and we are fortunate enough to be able to try again. On to the next step in our journey.