It is January 7, 2021 and the first week of 2021 has already proven to be quite a year. On January 1, I decided to take a break from drinking. I was in a bad mental state from the miscarriage and needed some time to clear my head. I felt as though drinking wine was allowing me to mask some of my emotions and I needed to deal with them head on. So I decided I would take 10 days off. 

 

On Monday, January 4th, I decided to post about my miscarriage and the response was overwhelming. People have said the kindest things, but I have also heard from so many who have experienced what I have and that makes my heart hurt. I wish I could offer words to take their pain away, but just like mine, I know it is not that easy. I just hope and pray for the very best for each of them. What a horrible “club” we have found ourselves in.

 

To start the year, I also decided to stop doing acupuncture. I had been going every week in hopes of getting pregnant naturally then during the pregnancy to hopefully maintain it then after the miscarriage to heal, but I need a break. I need to recharge and stop focusing on my cycle. Instead, I need to focus on getting my body back to normal with the multi-loss specialist and the endocrinologist before beginning IVF again.

 

On January 5th, I met with my counselor for the first time since telling her I had lost the baby. Our first meeting was more about the shock of the situation whereas this time we got deeper and really discussed my pain. I kept saying that I just need a break from it all and how can I motivate myself to get pregnant when I am terrified that this could happen again.  

 

Wednesday, January 6th, a group of individuals took over the United States Capitol. I watched as men and women easily entered a place that I had to go through multiple levels of security to be able to visit once. I could not get the events out of my mind, and I could not believe how divided our nation had become. I was saddened to think how angry people were on both sides and how I want my daughter to grow up in a “united” states.

 

Thursday, January 7th, I find it really hard to focus on work which causes my mind to wander. I begin thinking about our family plans, and how I still want to have another baby. I pull out my phone to text a friend for her birthday and find myself checking the Ovia app. I notice that it has been 36 days since my last period. Based upon the ovulation test strips, I didn’t ovulate this month, but the multi-loss specialist told me that is normal following a miscarriage, so I thought nothing of it. However, I had taken a pregnancy test on December 31st out of habit because it was the 29th day of my cycle. The result was negative.

 

But 36 days!?! That is a little concerning. I begin to wonder if my body is back to its old ways. Not ovulating and not doing what it is supposed to do. So, I decide to take one of the pregnancy strips from my ovulation kit to test my urine. It is 1 pm. I know it is the wrong time to test, but I do it anyway. I didn’t ovulate this month and I am still healing, so I am sure it will be negative, and I will move on with my day. I just want to double check since it has been so long since my last period.

 

I leave the strip on the back of the toilet and go back to work. Due to a long work call and some other projects, I forget about the little strip. A couple hours later, I go to use the restroom and there it is. Sitting on the back of the toilet with two pink lines. Umm what in the world? I do not usually use these strips to test so I have to double check the booklet to understand what this means. According to the booklet, two lines means I am pregnant, but I also waited too long after testing so it could be a false positive.

 

I walk out of the bathroom and tell Adam that I am going to the pharmacy. I don’t know whether to tell him or not, but ultimately decide that I need to tell him  what is going on. I tell him about the strip, but that I want to get another test to make sure. He looks as shocked as I feel and tells me to go get a test now.

 

I run to the pharmacy and grab one of the tests that will clearly tell me “pregnant” or “not pregnant”. I can’t handle anything but complete clarity right now.  I drive home and immediately pound a small bottle of water. Then I go into the bathroom. I watch as the screen slowly blinks and blinks and blinks. Suddenly, it reveals the word “pregnant”. I grab the stick and run to show Adam. “Is this even possible?” he asks. “I guess so.” I reply.

 

Somehow, we may have conceived naturally again after being told we would never be able to do so without assistance. Somehow, we may have conceived another miracle. We hug and give each other an excited, but scared look that we both seem to have a lot lately when it comes to growing our family. Then we sit down and start to talk about how I need to make some calls to get proper care in these early weeks to hopefully have a different outcome than my last pregnancy.

 

I contact my prior fertility doctor. The one who gave us Palmer. The one who called me in mid-December when he heard I had a miscarriage and wanted to know if I was okay. His nurse congratulates me and says he put a protocol in place after our last call, so everything is ready to go. I start to tear up and immediately feel better. In my heart, I believe he knew I was going to call. He knew it and prepared for it. He is going to help me give this baby what he or she needs to survive.

 

I hang up and immediately feel better than last time. In fact, I feel better than I have in weeks. I believe it is going to be different this time and that we are going to have our rainbow baby.