Is there something wrong with me?
I always knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I never said I want to be a mom, or dreamed of my wedding day like some people. Rather, when I thought of being "older," I hoped to be on my way to becoming partner in law firm. Being a lawyer was always the ultimate goal for me.
It started when I was young and my family was headed to Florida for vacation. My father had to cover a last minute hearing so we were going to pick him up from the courthouse on the way to the airport to save time. We walked into the hearing and sat in the back while my dad finished up. I remember watching him and the other lawyer go back and forth while the judge stared down at them. I was mesmerized, and immediately knew that this was what I wanted to do someday. I wanted to be a lawyer just like my dad, and I never waivered on that goal. When I talked to my high school counselor while planning for college, I remember telling her over and over that I needed to make college about getting into a good law school and that I wanted to take any high school class that might involve law. She would always respond that I would change my mind and needed a back up plan, but I knew otherwise. I worked at my dad’s firm and loved helping the lawyers with research, document production, trial preparation, and whatever else. There was no way I was going to change my mind.
When I applied to law school, I wrote my essay about the trip to Florida and my dad realized for the first time the impact that the trip had had on me. He couldn’t remember the hearing and said it was probably about nothing, but he finally understood that this plan of mine had stuck and I think he was proud to see me following in his footsteps. However, I also think he knew how difficult it was to juggle family life and a law practice, which is why he tried to convince me to seek another profession.
Once I finally obtained my goal of becoming an attorney and started practicing, I also wondered if it was possible to balance being an attorney with having a family. During the first few years, I felt bad when I would leave the office so I would sit on the couch checking emails and answering calls during dinner. I knew that having a family would be extremely difficult in that environment, but I also knew that it might be something I wanted someday. So I decided to seek out better employment not only for a potential family, but also for myself. I needed more flexibility.
As I tried to find a more flexible job, I started to wonder if I actually really and truly wanted kids or if it was just the outside pressures of the universe. I mean as soon as you get married, everyone asks when you are having kids and if you don’t have them then people want to know if you want kids. (By the way, everyone should stop asking these questions. You do not realize how intrusive they are. Besides, I have never met someone who doesn’t love talking about their children so if someone wants to share with you that they have children then I promise they will.)
All my friends would talk about how they wanted children so badly and couldn’t wait to start a family, but I never felt that. I never had that feeling of “I have to be a mom” or “I want nothing more than to be a mom.” I would sit and listen to the women around me talk and wonder what was wrong with me. Did I not want kids? Why was it that when I went to meet a friend’s new baby, I would sit and think the baby was cute but have absolutely no desire to hold the baby. I remember one particular baby shower where a group of women were saying they couldn’t imagine not quitting their jobs to stay home with their kids. I felt so lost and confused. Even though I was questioning whether I truly wanted kids, I knew for certain that I would not be giving up my profession if I had them. I had worked too hard for this job and could not imagine giving up the practice of law. So did that make me strange?
I mentioned my concerns about whether I actually wanted a kid to Adam and learned that he had the same concerns. Our life was good. We had fun together and really liked our home as it was. We were both worried about making such a significant life change, and how that would impact our bond. I had watched far too many couples that looked so “perfect” suddenly falling apart after a baby was added and it terrified me.
I tried to mention my feelings to other people, but I always got the same answers: "You want kids." "Everyone is scared." "There is never a right time." "Are you sure everything is okay with you and Adam?"
I quickly learned that your friends and family are bias on the subject. They want you to have kids, so they are unable to discuss this topic with any sort of level head. For this reason, I decided to seek out a counselor to discuss my feelings.