No One Wants to Talk About It
Nobody talks about it. 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage. I agree that we should all be more open and talk about it because it is more common than we realize and we need to normalize it. Well then it happened to me and the last thing I wanted to do was talk about it. Truth is that I still don’t really want to talk about it.
During the pregnancy I had spotting. Light spotting on several occasions so I called my doctors. The first time they told me that it is common and they would just see me at my first ultrasound. So I just waited and worried. Then at the first ultrasound at about 8 weeks, I was delighted to learn that the baby was good. Heartbeat was strong and he or she was growing just fine. Measuring a little smaller than the projected date based upon my last period, but they said that was normal. I left the office elated and called Adam to tell him the good news since he couldn’t attend my appointment due to Covid.
The next weeks went by with a little more spotting, so I called the doctor to let them know and they told me to take it easy and they’d see me at my next appointment. I tried to take it easy, but I would go on walks and such to keep myself from going crazy. It’s really difficult for me to not exercise and it’s impossible to not repeatedly pick up your one year old. Luckily, the days continued to pass without too much trouble as I slowly made my way to the second trimester and hoped for the nausea to subside.
Then one day I woke up and the spotting was much worse so I called and begged to be seen. They got me in at 1 pm that day. My blood pressure was way off and the nurse told me to try to relax, but I couldn’t. Finally I saw the ultrasound tech and as I held my breath, she found a heartbeat. A good strong heartbeat - 173. I let out my breath and started to cry as she took measurements. I was excited to learn that our baby had caught up in size and was measuring perfectly. I left feeling amazing.
The days continued to pass and the first trimester symptoms started to subside a little, which was a relief but also a little scary as they were my reminder that I was pregnant. Then on the night before Halloween as I was carving a pumpkin with Palmer I felt a sudden pain deep in my abdomen like I had never felt before. I tried to shrug it off, but a little while later when I used the restroom I found a scary amount of blood. I told Adam, but since it was a Friday night there wasn’t much we could do other than hope it meant nothing. Somehow I got through the weekend. We had an amazing Halloween and our family costume was a hit, but every so often I would place my hands on my belly and pray in my head - please be healthy and safe. I also never bled like Friday again or had that sharp pain again, so I thought maybe everything would be okay.
On Monday morning I immediately called my doctor and said I needed to be seen. I told them what had happened and they agreed to move up my 12 week appointment scheduled for Friday to Wednesday. They told me it would be fine since I had just been in and to go on pelvic rest. So I did and Monday passed by without any issue. Then Tuesday came and I was abruptly woken up with another sharp pain in my abdomen. I could barely sit up and get Palmer ready for school, but somehow I managed. Once she was gone, I called the doctor again and said I couldn’t wait. I had to come in today. They tried to talk me out of it, but I persisted until finally they agreed to see me.
The appointment was at 1 pm again. This time they got me in to see the ultrasound tech immediately, but as the image popped up on the screen, I had the same sinking feeling I had had before when I lost Palmer's twin, baby B. I just knew something was off. The baby had not grown enough since my last visit and didn't look like it should at the 12 week appointment. I knew this was all a bad sign. As the tech searched and searched with the probe, I felt the air slowly get sucked out of the room until finally she spoke. I’m so sorry, she said, there is no heartbeat.
Everything after that was a blur. I was alone because of Covid rules so a sweet nurse decided to break protocol to hug me while a doctor told me my options. I could try to miscarry naturally, I could take a pill and miscarry at home, or I could have a dilation and curettage (D&C) procedure. I remember just staring at the doctor and watching as her lips moved, but having trouble processing anything. How had this happened? How had I seen my baby just weeks ago and now he or she was gone? I had seen the heartbeat so strong on that ultrasound twice so what in the world had happened to make it stop? What had I done to keep our baby from joining us in this world?
I was trying to process everything that they were telling me, but really I just wanted to get home as quickly as possible so I could hug Adam and my baby girl tightly. I don't know how, but at some point I decided that I wanted to have a d&c. I wanted the option that would allow me to move on from this the quickest so I could start to heal, and waiting for it to happen on its own or following a pill at home sounded timely and scary. So we scheduled the d&c for two days later and I left. I left no longer technically pregnant with a fetus with no heartbeat still inside me. It was an awful nightmare and I suddenly felt very empty and sick.